Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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