I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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