I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
