Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
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you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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