I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Dicks are not precious.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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