my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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