Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
