Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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