Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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