Already got asked if we're dating
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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