I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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