Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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