$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
