its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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