...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
