He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
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