When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
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Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
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I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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