does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
