I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
