sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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