watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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