So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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