she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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