If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
