i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
