Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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