I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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