did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
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I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
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Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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