can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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