Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
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Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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