I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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