first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
what day is it and did you see me today?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
