when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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