the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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