so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
