Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
