I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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