My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sext me about skeletons
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
