if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
