Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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