My Higher Power is John Stamos
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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