So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
