I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
