I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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