OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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