First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
