Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize