He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
