just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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