Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Randomize
