My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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