I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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