I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
