sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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