to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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