I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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