halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
