What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
