i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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