hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
