I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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