It's like God shit irony all over that family
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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