your parents love me but you hate me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
