We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
