my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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