I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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